Hayden Jack Kent

Thank you everyone who's been praying. I never thought I could handle going through anything remotely like this....but greater is He who is in me. Your prayers are working.

On Tuesday the 21st, I had an ultrasound at 8am. First a tech who was 'in training' took a few pictures, then excused herself to get a more experienced tech to finish, as she had told me up front she would be doing. I had a bad feeling because she had asked me what I felt were some suspicious questions. I had strained to see the screen and prayed to see movement, but all I saw was the outline of the baby's head as she measured it.

When the second tech arrived, she sat down and pulled the machine closer towards her and turned the screen away. Bad feelings increased. Within a couple minutes, a doctor appeared at the curtain. Bad feelings turned into panic.

He looked with the tech at the screen and made some unintelligable comments. Then the tech asked me if I had come with anyone and that's when I started to cry. As I sat up, the doctor told me that there was no heartbeat.

We went up to the genetics appointment anyway, hoping that they could give us more information. They told us that although I was 19 weeks pregnant, the baby was only measuring 14 weeks gestation. I knew they had to be off somewhat, because I heard the heartbeat at 15 weeks, and I'm very confident in my dates.

An obstetrician was called and she came to meet with us and tell us what would happen next. We had a few options: surgery, taking a drug to induce labour, or waiting until I miscarried naturally. We chose the drug, which would involve me being admitted to hospital to have it administered. Unfortunately, there were no beds available to do this until the following Tuesday, a whole week later. We were horrified.

I felt that I would probably go into labour on my own, so we decided to go home and wait until that happened, or the week went by. I spent everyday at my moms in case it started, and mom and my sister even came home with us one night, when I was feeling awful and sure it was starting.

As the week went by, I became more tense and scared. They had warned me that being as far along as I was, I could bleed badly when it happened and have to rush to the hospital. My midwife, who supported us wonderfully during the whole thing, gave me instructions to call 911 if certain things happened. I didn't want my husband or mom have to deal with me miscarrying at home. I didn't want to see this baby. I was scared.

By the weekend, I couldn't take it anymore. I called the OB and told her I wanted surgery instead. I wanted this over with. To my dismay, she explained that I had misunderstood and surgery was not an option. She would do it if I insisted, but it would be risky and a horrible procedure. I decided to keep waiting.

I made it to Tuesday morning and got to the hospital earlier than the 7:30am they had told us. James and my mom came with me while my dad watched Jairus, Honour and Verity. They started the inducing drug around 9am. I didn't feel much until around noon, which surprised me: I was induced for Jairus and reacted strongly to the drugs then. But this was a different drug. And a different baby.

They gave me tylenol 3 at first, and then upped it to morphine to deal with the pain. It took 3 doses of the drug until finally our baby was born.

At 6:10pm, Hayden Jack Kent arrived easily and quietly. My midwife was there and took care of him just as she had my other children. She and the nurse actually couldn't tell for certain that he was a boy, but we all feel strongly that he is. He appeared to have a cleft lip and palate and from observation, a club foot and other issues with his legs. I chose not to look at him, but my mom and midwife did. My midwife has a tradition of making footprints of the babies she helps deliver, and I asked her if she could do the same for Hayden. She said she would try, but ended up doing handprints instead. They are so tiny...

Hayden was 14.5 cm long and weighed 45 grams. McMaster has worked out some admirable ways to help families deal with their grief. They assembled a memory box for us which had in it a blanket that they had laid Hayden on after he was born, the heart shaped card with his handprints, a measuring tape with his length marked on it, and a card that listed his time of birth, length, etc. I will put the tape with his heartbeat from my first midwife appointment in it too. I hope to still get one of the few ultrasound photos they took.

We got home around 11pm and the kids stayed at my parents. When I walked into mom and dad's house the next morning and saw them, it was with new eyes. Especially Jairus. Over the years, many people have called him a miracle and I would agree....but never the same way I do now. My mom remarked later that as tiny as he was, she could see that Hayden looked like his big brother.

There's a song I used to sing a number of years ago:

I will trust you Lord, when I don't know why

I will trust you Lord, 'til the day I die

I will trust you Lord, when I'm blind with pain

You were God before and you'll never change

I will trust you...

~Twila Paris

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My little Hayden boy, I will see you again.